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Alexus' Adventure in Wonderland
 

alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

i miss the empty bar, minimal.

had a teeny bit of a meltdown today / feeling right on the verge of meltdown.

sudden panic: what the fuck am i doing?????!!!!

you know, with basically bailing on my thesis and moving away from all the professional contacts i had and moving from a life of academic research to doing a course at tech...

... and not really fitting in particularly well with the athletic kids. which was only to be expected, i suppose. i mean: what the fuck am i doing????!!! and what on earth was i thinking????!!!

i think i need to cut back on something... skipping (training before class), oly lifting, jiu jitzu... probably a bit much to do 2 of those per day... i don't know.

need to find myself with the oly lifting... i used to be all about the technique... who am i kidding my coach is all about the big boys lifting whatever the big boys can lift even if they do hurt their backs. it isn't my cup of tea at all.

and there it is.
there are other people i can learn technique from... but i need to extract myself from my coach first...

so it looks like oly lifting @6am before class it is going to have to be. or something. i'm too unco to properly track my heart rate but right now i really am eating and i really am sleeping and something has got to give... maybe i'm not quite over the cold... maybe it was just having to do a cv in class today and i didn't really want the other students to know... but then i feel stupidly undercover... but then... what the fuck am i doing???!!

i seem to have girl cooties at jiu jitzu. except for one guy who seems to feel a bit sorry for me. whatever. time will put things right. i think possibly the girlfriend training last week didn't work out for whatever reason and the guys are saying they don't want to make a girl tap. reading over pch's log i'm getting a sense of how she just didn't worry about this shit. just turn up and train. whatever. i'll get better eventually lolz. at least there is one guy who is cool about rolling with me. if i can choke his massive neck i reckon i'm pretty much good for choking anything, too, since he is probably around 100kg of big samoan dude lolz.

today: realized i do better with playing defense. i can be pretty squirmy and might be able to squirm into a good position for a choke or armbar. playing offense doesn't really work for me because i can't really throw around a dude who weighs probably two of me... maybe the smaller guys have a false impression of how strong i am because they know i'm a weightlifter? maybe girlfriend chick freaked about guy sweat or something? who knows... made the guy do a couple of the same moves over and over so i started to feel better with them... i realize pch did a lot of that in her log... ask questions... demand answers... drill things with whoever will drill them. just bloody well get on with it. just like oly lifting, eh.

i wish i didn't have this highish pitched distress response sounding nervous laugh when i try new things... think it took a couple weeks in the heavy weights room for me to feel more comfortable and lose the laugh. hope it leaves the mats soon because it kind of is attention grabbing on the mats and doesn't really help my case at all..

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brute_fury
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Join date: Oct 2005
Posts: 3273

That is tough :{ Not quite hitting a nitch anywhere? :/ That sucks. :{

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theBird
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Join date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4466

Hmmm, well it does sound like you have alot on your plate at the moment.
Do you really enjoy jitsu? Sorry if I missed it in your logs, but what made you try jitsu? Doesnt sound like your thing. If I had to do a martial art, I would choose ninjitsu. Always wanted to be a ninja.

Hows your bike going? I still think you should try a road bike. Doesnt matter how crappy my ankle feels... the road bike is always forgiving and is a heaps load of fun, by myself or with others. And you get to stop for coffee aswell. And you develop killer hamstrings and calves. Let me know if you have any questions on road bikes.


*tweet*

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cholulalula
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Join date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1217

alexus wrote:


i will be careful not to overdo it...
but i'm really enjoying taking up the opportunities i've got right now.
am the happiest i've been in a long long time :-)


Just remember this feeling Lex. I know it's hard when times get hard or confusing to remember why you made a big change in the first place, but you're where you're supposed to be. It takes a lot of courage to keep searching for what truly moves you, hang tight.

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minimaltechno
Level 1

Join date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1569

Well I am biased but to me oly lifting is all about the grace of technique. I see some guys lifting big weights, and to be honest their technique isn't too bad but if they are not graceful (& I know that is only my perception of it) it doesn't do anything for me. But when I see gracefulness in the snatch, it just looks like a thing of beauty. Gawd I miss it, I know I keep saying that ;-p

Being the happiest you have been in a long time is GREAT progress!

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arachne12
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Join date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1240

Alexus,
You ARE supposed to hit the bag hard. It's true there are a few people who will look at you funny if you do things intensely, but those people are idiots. Don't think so hard. Just roll, and try and grip and choke and punch. That is all.

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juniormint
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Join date: Sep 2009
Posts: 188

Regarding the meltdown stuff--just keep plugging away, and remember that there is a reason why you're doing it all. It's easy to see that you're passionate about what you do, and although all the doubts and worries may seem like an insurmountable hurdle right now, things have a way of working themselves out if you keep working at it. Things will get better--after all, life is peaks and valleys, without the uphill battles it'd be easy and boring. Keep at it!!

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alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

thanks so much for the support. and for reminding me about why i'm doing this, yeah.

set my alarm for 6am this morning and managed to make it to the gym by 7.
found a bunch of league players much to my surprise since i thought i'd find it empty.
cool to share the space with them, though. feel like i've found myself for the first time in ages. that is how i'm used to training... amongst people who are training but me doing my own thing... profit from the working vibe, but just getting on with it.

the cues i'm being given for my oly lifting seem good / right - but i'm also determined to keep my bloody hips down / keep an eye on my back angle because of the overuse lumbar spine injury thing i'm prone to. worked full cleans, too, since i was never a fan of not doing them even though i may be weaker that way. whatever. point is first time i've done full cleans in ages. my front squat really is ugly... jumping forwards, too, but hey, haven't done them for around 6 months now...

so mentally / physically exhausted, but good today. people seemed... kind. i don't know. just felt at peace, somehow.

thanks so much, again.



i think the last lift is a PR or maybe =PR @ 42.5kg (pretty sure i've never got that out the hole even though i can powerclean 55kg)

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Reconstruction
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Join date: Sep 2011
Posts: 352

wow, THAT-IS-AMAZING!

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alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

thanks. this is my favorite lift, but it is looking pretty rusty right now. need to put in the time with the video camera...

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theBird
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Join date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4466

Awesome videos.

Lol at the footy players doing ab exercises while your lifting heavy ass weight.


*tweet*

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minimaltechno
Level 1

Join date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1569

YAY oly vids!!!!!!!!! Keep 'em coming.

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alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

birdie - i might have to see if i can get in on their ab work - i feel silly doing ab work by myself and they seem to be doing good stuff with that. i laughed, too, at how i was lifting and they were doing group abs though, haha.

my bike is going okay. the wind picks up here sometimes, though, so i walk instead of bike. biking is mostly a mode of transport for me... i'll bike for fun (instead of walking for fun) to get out and get some fresh air... but biking just isn't really my thing. i tried... but it isn't really a form of exercise for me (like lifting is).

arachne - yep, i will keep at it. i will get better :-)

brute - feeling a bit better about things now... i was too quick to judge some people... maybe most people, even. people (at least some of them) are a bit older than i thought. and the younger ones often have more life experience / maturity (e.g., with raising families) than i thought. and i was off with the whole 'girlfriend' thing at jiu jitzu (she isn't a girlfriend - not quite sure what was up with that, but i read that wrong) and, well, the supersalient people aren't representative (which is of course obvious one you think about it). and, i don't know... people have told me before that my shyness / social anxiety tends to come across as standoffishness or even haughtiness... so i need to take some responsibility for people seeming uncomfortable in my presence. just takes me time to get to know people and for everyone to relax more generally.

i'm a diplomat... and being diplomatic has meant i've failed to see that:

1) my technique has gotten a lot worse since i've stopped filming my lifts and relied on other peoples feedback.
2) my total is down. sure, i got a 2.5kg increase on my clean and jerk (in virtue of training the jerk more regularly) but my snatch is down 5kg. that is a HUGE decrease given the weights i'm lifting...
3) my strength on most everything else is down since i'm not working a program.

so...

i'm going independent. time to test my front and back squat max and i'll do 5/3/1 for those... back to figuring out a program with progressions for me... back to training the oly lifts to max then doing back offs of whatever it is that I need to do to fix up the reason why i'm missing.

i wonder if this is why people have been encouraging me to SPEAK UP. because... so many other people are freaking noisy - but that doesn't mean that they have any more of a clue than me.

anyhoo... the whole zen thing requires me to train by myself. not always. but... mostly. pretty sure about that. mornings could potentially be a very productive time.

find myself again... remember what it is all about...

if i hurt other peoples feelings on this... too bad. and there it is.

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PixieThrower
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Join date: Oct 2011
Posts: 542

Good videos!!

One thing I noticed on the clean is that you're jumping forward more as the weights get heavier. I think that might be because you're pushing it out with your hips on the final extension... Not sure. You have great speed and the ability to pull yourself under the bar.

That little front arc can be seen with your snatch, too. Might be why that last one dropped behind you. Too much lateral movement and your shoulders weren't strong enough to save it. Seriously awesome work, though. Keep it up and keep videoing yourself!

I'm pretty shy in real life, too, and I really have to force myself to go out and be a 'social butterfly'. I can see how it makes people nervous. Nobody wants to be the one to make the first gesture and get rejected, so that's the role that falls to the strongest person. YOU!

Have fun finding yourself and have fun with your training! :)

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cholulalula
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Join date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1217

YES! Glad to hear you're making a change that works for you.

A lot of what you said up there I felt like I could echo. Being quiet doesn't mean that anything you have to say is less valid. Lots of people are freaking noisy, and I've learned a lot of that noise is just that...noise.

Keep at it mamacita, I feel like you keep discovering new pieces of yourself that a lot of people don't bother discovering. Also...I'm excited about the prospect of more videos of you oly lifting, makes me want to give it a go.

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alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

pixie - yep, i got the bad jumping forwards thing going on. in the past it has been all about my not finishing the pull / opening the hip angle up properly. i think that might be what is going on with these... i used to put athletic tape on the floor so i had immediate feedback about whether i jumped forwards or not. will get back to doing that again.

lula - thanks. means a lot to me to have you following along!

today...

I got 41kg!! snatch PR and it really has been a very long time coming! got 40kg for a nice-ish feeling single on 2nd attempt. easy to stand up. tried 42.5kg (we don't have fractional plates) but wussed out on the pull. put two sets of plastic collars on (for 1kg total) and i freaking got it!! woo hoo!!

a little bit of squatting. okay, i suck. i bailed on these rather. two assessments today.

i got 41kg!!! haha!!

_____________________________

goddammit i have work to do on this assertiveness thing... i am probably the most withdrawn person i've ever met who isn't pathological and i'm pretty sure i'm at least borderline pathological haha. basically... if people don't show me basic respect of listening when i'm talking etc then i'd rather not talk to them. so i withdraw, basically. i'd rather not talk to you than yell at you. but of course that is one extreme and i'm meeting people now who are more near the other extreme than i've met for a while...

and clearly some middle ground must be had.

it is hard for me, though, because my natural inclination is to say 'fuck it i just don't have the energy to deal with this' and walk away. but then i wonder why i feel lonely... damn people. IRL people.. . why can't i just live on the internet??

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alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

so it comes down to asserting my space in the weights room, i mean. so other people don't crowd me. i took the platform today. screw the league guys (they tried to crowd me yesterday - just not noticing) so they can get stuffed today.

there was a chick with a headscarf and another chick... they wandered up the end by the platform and started lifting some dumbbells. yay them. then of course a couple guys come along and set themselves up close to them. not entirely sure... but i think the girls left then. crowded out.

i know guys don't mean to. closer sense of personal space with other dudes. especially when you all play rugby together or whatever. pretty sure a muslim chick is going to have a greater sense of personal space than most, though, especially when it comes to exercising around dudes.

i DID say something about how they crowded the girls out...

i just kinda feel like people bloody well should be more sensitive to others... shouldn't have to point out this shit. just comes down to basic respect for persons. except of course it doesn't. just differences.. perhaps cultural, actually. i'm not quite the kiwi i used to be? perhaps. i don't know.

looks like i'll need to make it to the gym even earlier for any hope of alone time...

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minimaltechno
Level 1

Join date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1569

I'm the same way about having to talk to people, I just don't have enough energy or will. Only because I just find people who have to yell their opinion as obnoxious (I have to deal with one person at work & we are a small office, but he's from a big family of siblings, I am not). But yes middle ground is usuall the best way. I usually have to find different ways of asserting my views, ideas, usually involves writing out a plan (not practical in a gym environment though).

Congrats on the PR!!!!!!!!

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alexus
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Join date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4751

I found this:

http://kingdomofintroversion.c...

As one who habitually works out, I am constantly asked.
?Isn?t it boring??
?Where do you get the willpower from??
I try to explain that I enjoy it for its own sake. But the response is usually a sort of patronizing amazement, as if I were a specimen of some rare and curious species.

Extroverts working out on their own are easily spotted:
-Their hearts are never in it...
-Their face has a sour, bored, ?I?d rather be doing anything else? kind of look.
-Their head is plastered with all the latest electronic devices to provide some form of distraction. Without the sound of the human voice at all times, they would simply go insane...

How do I explain to such a person:
-How on a long run I get lost in the corresponding rythyms of my breath and heartbeat?
-The sheer joy of being in the outdoors?
-How I become completely absorbed in the rush I get while doing a max clean and press or squat?
-That it?s a socially sanctioned means of spending time alone, even when the sun is still up?

I sometimes say truthfully it?s just a part of my routine I wouldn?t want to do without, that it makes me feel fantastic, that it untangles my thoughts.
?Wo-ow, you?re so dedicated.? an extrovert glibly responds.
In that moment the wide gap in understanding becomes obvious:

-For the extrovert, exercise is merely penance for that cheesecake last night. Working out is just one of many unenjoyable activities required to maintain Surface social appearances.

-For the introvert exercise is an enjoyable activity of recharge and renewal on a spiritual level. Working out is a celebration of the individual?s mastery over the bodily domain. It is about getting away from social expectations.

When extroverts exercise seriously, it is for the sake of competition and social status. There are some very fit extroverts in high school and college, but their physical activity comes abruptly to an end when it loses its usefulness as a social tool in adult life.

The introvert often lives their young life in hiding and only emerges to discover their own physical potential well into their twenties or even later. Exercise is internally motivated, a personal exploration, a spiritual self realization.
Because motivation comes from within, introverts who exercise tend to exercise through all of life, decades after the extrovert has given it up with the exception of an occasional painful weekend jog or a short-lived new years resolution gym membership.

_____

It resonates.

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PixieThrower
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Join date: Oct 2011
Posts: 542

Congrats on the PR!! Woo!

And yeah, that last paragraph there definitely resonates with me :)

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brute_fury
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Join date: Oct 2005
Posts: 3273

oh yes it does resonate. I can relate on many levels to that!!!!!! Introverts are not highly prized in this day and age.

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KBurnett
Level 1

Join date: Apr 2008
Posts: 41

I almost never post in these things, but the stuff about introverts and exercise really hit home for me.

Thanks for posting it.

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brute_fury
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Join date: Oct 2005
Posts: 3273

INTROVERTS ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!

;)

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theBird
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Join date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4466

Hello fellow introvert,

Your thoughts and reflections also resonate with me. I am an introvert myself... sometimes mistaken for been shy or arrogant.
I like the point regarding how extroverts dont enjoy exercise and see as it a penance for the cheescake. To me that is so sad. So many people are so miseld and un-educated when it comes to their own body... and they ony have one body and one life... I dont understand how anyone wouldnt want to maximise that.

In terms of getting crowded out, I would just do one of thos olympic lifts that you do and then drop the bar on the floor, just missing their toes. That might teach them to get out your zone. This point kind of relates to the above point, but 90% of people in the gym dont know what they are doing... once they realise that you do know what you are doing, I find that they stay clear out of your way.

Like our old friend maschy would say; "You be da boss".


*tweet*

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Up
Level 3

Join date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1449

Ahhh, my lexi read...I should know better than to get so behind, although its fascinating to
see you talking it through, almost convincing yourself, and ending up exactly where you are.


Selfishly I missed the Oly work and vids.

Nice PR!

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